FRESH, FRIED AND CRISPY BANGUS

It was the Feast of Sacrifice so The Cook of Castamar whipped up a superb sinigang na bangus for breakfast under the Anda Bridge to stop the rain as the Count of Armino and Sol Montijos humped their way to the white sand beach of Tondol through a red water dragon that went all the way to Savannah to fetch Senorita Belmonte's Treylor Park chicken pot pie and a collosal crab sandwich from Daym Drops in Baltimore for a lunch by the Lingayen Gulf. 

But Senorita Castro will not be appeased and demanded that the Marquis of Soto and Campomedina compensate her with Zora's vegan chick'n sandwich from St. Louis, The Whale Burger from Las Vegas and skillet fried pork chop from Birmingham for the nights in her bed so The Lakwatseras will be allowed to pass through the checkpoint in Umingan and prepare Fresh, Fried & Crispy bangus for San Vicente Ferrer's dinner in Bayambang. 

In Tokyo, Richard Carapaz fueled on deep-fried saltwater taffy from San Diego and rode with Max and Nono from Berlin to Beijing to push Biking Borders and win an Olympic gold medal.

In Bakal 2, the Phantom Biker duelled with monsoon rains and creeping ennui for Denver's almond crusted hogfish and Cleveland's fried catfish strips.  

In Baloc, aproned men feasting on lechong baboy at pabo were mesmerized by a sallow diva whose rendition of Little Mix and Beyonce eclipsed the cleavage and flat butt of #8x2.  

6 DAYS

The bikers of Munoz-Lupao road cheered Valeria as she overhelmed Billie in terms of nipples (pink versus dark), promiscuity (three against two) and milieu (Madrid over New York) with Sasha and Lola almost even in contesting the title of being the second horniest Netflix character of the week.

In Gryfino, Sgt. Anna Jass emerged from The Mire of the Crooked Forest to battle Nerea for the special citation of being the best lesbian lover, the Polish cop eclipsed by the Spanish lawyer with multiple partners and graphic cunnilingus scenes amidst the freshly planted ricefields of Nueva Ecija. 

In the last week of the 108th Tour de France, Brad Simon possessed the Phantom Biker into a mitosis of quarantined Sex/Life to spawn the stalker of a horny headmistress and a connoiseur of recycled lechong paksiw, leftover inihaw na bangus, a bland tokwa't baboy and raw luncheon meat with tomatoes and onion from Thursday night when Salome danced with Rey Valera, her black dress accentuating erotic curves and unclothed mounds that are as chewy as the chicharong bulaklak of the inquisition, crunchy as the crispy pisngi from a Lodge visitation, and powerful enough for Tadej Pogacar to paint the slopes of Col du Portet and Luz Ardiden with yellow while UCI WorldTeams scrambled to salvaged their season in Saint-Gaudens and Libourne. 

Mark Cavendish finished with the green jersey but got stuck at #34 as Wout van Aert added the time trial in Saint-Emilion and a sprint at Paris Champs-Elysees to his conquest of Mont Ventoux to equal the Phantom Biker's versatile trail biking resume.

THE INQUISITION

The satellite crashed on Toru Muranishi on The 8th Night of the 108th Tour de France to unleash the inquisition upon Matvey, the thief of St. Petersburg whose mercenary motives include stealing a pubic hair from Mariko Nogi as she prepared gising-gising for the Wednesday special, the pubic hair burnt and mixed with Aisa's lactation to season the lasagna for Thursday, the leftover sauce poured over a serving of nachos which enticed Junko to undress as Friday's Naked Director, her lady juices running over The Silver Skates that was used by Cheong-sok and Aeran to slice an array of ruminant dishes (kappukan, kaldereta, litsong tupa) that paid for the Saturday labors of the Craftsmen, the leftovers rubbed with Heno de Pravia which overhelmed the flavors of Sunday's tiim na bibe.

In Becoming Champions, Mark Cavendish conjured a magic mix of garra charrua, catennacio and capoeira to catch up with Eddy Merckx in Valence and Carcassonne although the Phantom Biker's winning mentality was edged by Wout van Aert to claim ownership of Mont Ventoux, the Maradonna phenomenon and quarterfinals syndrome morphing into various forms in Nimes, Quillan and Andorre-La-Vieille as the multi-cultural Tour entered its last week and the last two mountain stages for Nario Quintana to realize Arkea-Samsic's almost impossible dream.   

THE WANDERING MASTERLESS SAMURAI

Inspector John Marlott picked through the trail swatted by Battosai's sakabato to understand the Origins of the crash in Pontivy and why Mark Cavendish rose from the ashes of the Kyoto Inferno to rule in Fougeres and Chateauroux when the The Legend Ends supposedly with Lord Daniel Harvey's creation of the The Final and longest day in Le Creusot from an amalgamation of Wedneday's fried tilapia, Thursday's sinampalukang manok, Friday's adobong baboy and Saturday's fellowship of dinakdakan and inihaw na bangus for the reincaranation of Kenshin, the first born of The Frankenstein Chronicles before the days of bucktooth Kanryu, half-burnt  Shishio, Hentai Enishi and Tadej Pogacar who simply crushed the peloton in Laval and Le Grand-Bornand. 

It was while cruising through Stages 3 to 9 of the 108th Tour de France in the bike trails of Nueva Ecija when the Phantom Biker realized that Kaoru was haunted by the ghost of Tomoe and remained untouched by the Rurouni Kenshai, that Joseph Nightingale slit his throat for failing to mate with Flora, that Lady Jemima Hervey was afflicted with syphilis from her lust for a Bow Street Runner, and that Esther Rose's loins was whetted with the seeds of all the Frankensteins in Pye Street as the wandering samurai from Colombia flashed the imperious form of El Condor de los Andes only to fade in the slopes of Montee de Tignes to settle for the consolation of the polka dots jersey.