THE SERIAL CHEF'S APOCALYPSE

The confrontation in Marzahn and the showdown at Kaiserwarte finally unleashed the dogs of Berlin but not enough to qualify Erol Birkan and Kurt Grimmel for the 107th Tour de France which took off 1,351 kilometers away in Nice without Chris Froome and Geraint Thomas who, after being accosted in London as off-form by DS Steve Arnott and DI Kate Fleming, fell in the line of duty at Criterium du Dauphine while in Moscow, Ilrun Zakarin trained in the method of Rodion Meglin and Eseniya Steklova to beat Nario Quintana who might finally wear the maillot jaune in the way of Bhuvan's ragtag cricket team triumphing over the arrogance of Captain Russel in Champaner, and therefore justify a feast of ayam pansuh and palm wine from the Gawai Dayak with past and current Masters pitching in spicy tomato chicken and beef rendang from the Festival of Breaking the Fast in the time of quarantine to go with the chili con carne, tuna salpicao, tebasaki and Japanese potato salad from the Kitchen in Bakal 2.   

It was Dahling Nick who inspired me to write sentences in paragraph form to narrate the story of May Day Eve from the perspective of the woman with two navels who painted the portrait of the artist as a Filipino in the house on Zapote Street where the Phantom Bikers celebrated the climbing prowess of Lupo Alaba, Ariel Marana and Carlo Guieb with a Hakka banquet of braised pork with black fungus and taro, pork trotters with radish, fish maw soup, sauteed mixed vegetables and steamed chicken from the Tuan Pek Kong Mountain Festival.

FESTIVE FOOD AND CRIME SCENES

On the last hour of his unexpected election as the president of Italy, Peppino decreed that Abimael Guzman must lead Carlos and Gabriela to the Sendero Luminoso so Janis can join them in preparing tang yuan for a Winter Solstice Festival in Lima, a courageous act that was thwarted by an injunction from Judge Wakefield because Javier fell in love with Agent Montel who was caught in traffic while delivering Helena's packages of moru and yella sappadu for the simultaneous Thaipusam Festivals in Cincinnati, Tijuana and San Diego while in Sitio Cumabol, the mistahs celebrated a birthday with whiskey, pinispisan, kinilaw, litson and maja blanca.



The breaks never went ex-Inspector Peeters' way, neither was Claudine able to extort a cunnilingus from Dany Bastin who had Clement and Sophie for a threesome, Jasmina clueless that her abstinence has been offered as a gift for the Jade Emperor's birthday to go with the roasted pig and nyonya cakes from Musso while in Bakal 2, the Phantom Bikers carried doushi, pengat and a banner that proclaims "Welcome Mr. President!" for the Lantern Festival.

BREAKFAST, LUNCH & DINNER (and drinks)

Even Stockholm's meticulous Polismyndigheten were not able to discern that tagine is not food but the pot where food is served in Marrakech, either for breakfast, lunch or dinner except for the roasted lamb that would perfectly complement our Friday nights of light brandy and strong whiskey, our ticket to the quicksands where Sebastian and Samir roasted Maja alive over a bonfire of chairs from Djursholm's bloodstained classroom.

Pancakes, fries, burgers and fried rice from Los Angeles could be our breakfast but the inexperience of Heiderfeld's Police Federale got the wrong suspects because it was the spurned Ines who murdered Driss for his love of Brigitte, Inspector Yoann Peeters breaking the case on why dimsum, roasted pork and somosa were served for lunch in Vancouver. 

Gordon Ramsay acts like he's living on methamphetamines and I too is bored by David Chang but I owe him for Phnom Penh where dinner and beer could have been at the Foreign Correspondent's Club, and for Kate MacKinnon's appreciation of moringa soup, "The best part of travelling is eating" she said and the Phantom Bikers who conclude each ride in the trails with arroz caldo, goto or egg caldo totally agree.

KINGS, KITCHENS AND BIRTHDAYS

Andri was king of the skies in Greenland before migrating to Iceland, moving there after dropping Walter Mitty into the North Sea and settling in Siglufjorour where he ruled as chief of the Logreglan.

He could have arrested Guoni (Season 1) and Stefan (Season 2) before Episodes 10 if not for the distraction of investigating whether the Tibetan thukpa from Himachal Pradesh is indeed the origin of pasta which is the centerpiece of Filipino birthdays although not for Manuel whose kitchen served ginataang suso to pair with Carlos's inihaw na bangus and Eduardo's pinispisan.

I met Michal Trela in Poland in the aftermath of COP 19's battle for those who are lost and damaged, years before he sobered up from krupnik and settling in Sowie Doly as king of the policja who thought that Banaras and Allahabad are one and the same cities whose royal kitchens created the sattvik, rajasic and tamasik .

Yes, the maharajas once ruled India where royal chefs prepared birthday feasts of dum biryani from Lucknow, bisi bele bath from Mysore and pandi curry from Coorg, a simple combo of avial and putto from Kerala, and Gujarat's thali for those who don't eat meat.

We are the kings of the trails and we burn birthday calories! 

THE PATIALA PEG

Balong must move up but cannot, the ceremonies trapped by a quarantine of Icelandic snowstorm whose riddle Andri struggled to solve with Amaia who bared boobs and butt as an offering to the storm that finally broke up on the first Saturday of August when men without aprons toasted the first day of a liqour ban to measure brandy and beer with the patiala peg and the greatest hits of Latin America's street food as presented by UN's top climate negotiators: Lucas with a thick slab of tortilla de papas from Las Chicas de las Tres in Buenos Aires, Amabassador Espinosa's crunchy memela from Memelas Dona Vale in Oaxaca, and Claudia's comforting bowls of Tolu's ajiaco and mote de queso from Bogota.

For the Brazilians, the shadow of Jair Bolsonaro swallowed Fear City where even an alliance between Rudy Giuliani and the Five Families is overwhelmed by the pandemic, Anne Frank's parallel stories clashing sharply with the SONA in Manila that misrebaly failed in measuring up to the patiala peg except for a moqueca at Re-Restaurante Dona Suzana in Salvador and the laal maas from Rajasthan dripping from rolls of Tamil Nadu's idli and dosa which is as kosher as the mutton ishtew from Delhi and Rampur, all good enough for a devout Seventh Day Adventist.  

Andres will stick with a combinado from Lima's Al Toke Pez and Juan will fight to death for the papa rellena of Rellenos de Dona Emi in La Paz, a spread almost as good as the wazwan in Jammu and Kasmir and a regular langar in Punjab where butter chicken originated and the patiala peg was sourced to help the Phantom Bikers measure how much extra strong beer calories will be burned in each morning ride.